.indulgeAngel.

Stress

2010-12-29T03:06:00.002+08:00

It's "The" time of the year again... I'm feeling stress, again...

I'll be getting another year older in a few days time, and I really don't want to see any birthday cakes...

I'm not ready to step another foot into this age group!!!

Abandoned

2010-12-28T04:35:00.002+08:00

I recently realized, an abandoned blog is like an abandoned road or garden... weeds grow so quickly that before I realized, my blog has already turned into a deserted piece of land that overrun with weeds.

Well, I have returned and I have 'unweeded' the comments boxes. I hope I would be able to stay longer this time, not to let my physical life overwhelm my world of visualizations and thoughts.

Is that the way how it should be?

2010-01-21T03:59:00.003+08:00

As what I've constantly reminding myself, that I shouldn't just dive into love without looking what's ahead of me. I know myself very well, I can, and I will become a fool when I'm seriously in love. Well, it happens again...

I cannot change who I am, I don't know how to hold back and care less for my other half, once I've determined that I want him to be the one.

Well it seems just like a routine for me-- I fell in love, I'm always be there, always try to fit in and try to understand, and then it will followed by being taking advantage of. Everyone seems the same. Despite the fact that I actually read the book "Why men love bitches?" and understand the tricks behind to capture your man's heart, I just didn't want to do it.

I hate the fact that I actually need to follow someone else opinions and steps in order to secure a relationship. I just want to be myself, be the foolish one in love. Just love me for who I am I don't want to play mind games at all...

******

I've looked this time, I took it slow and give myself time to be sure. But guess what, you won't see a thing until you are with him. People says, whatever a man could do for you in the beginning, you should just take off 50% from it when you become his steady other half. Some even worst, please don't expect anything more than 30% from what he was in the beginning.

Is that the rules in relationship? That we must play some tricks and mind games to sustain what we have? Is that the way it should be? I'm confused, but I still refuse to follow the rules, at least not right now.

*****

Anyway, what happened to the old time boy meets girl story? Has it become a tale?

*****

Last Valentines Day, he said :" I Love you baby, many more to come."
This Valentines Day, he said :" So what? It's just Valentines Day."

Will you marry me???

2009-04-27T21:49:00.007+08:00

I think it's kinda like the girl stuffs to fancy over the proposing part and the wedding crabs, on exactly how should it be done and how everything should falls into place. Well, I had mine too, once upon a time, and when I thought of it now I could laugh at myself for my great imagination.

But I've never ever thought of it, nor expected it to turn out such a way. My very first experience of being proposed ended up like that -- being proposed by stranger who I've only met an hour ago (I can't even remember his name).

Well I guess the picture already gave me in, I can't make surprise faces at all. The director asked me to try to remember surprises I had in my life, I can't think of one until now... *sweat*

*****

boy: "Would you marry me?"
girl: "Erm...let me see the diamond 1st!"

...blank...

2009-04-13T09:52:00.005+08:00

I've got problems remembering things lately, I just can't really focus. Digging through most of my "old" stuffs lately and trying to figure out what had been missing from my thoughts. Magazines, books, photos, emails and even clothes. I thought to myself "this is so ridiculous" as I study each and everyone of my old junk, trying to relate to the most possible situations I've been through, where and when exactly I've gotten those stuffs from. And more ironically, I've been frowning through the whole process and it sorta made a trace between my brows. I can't remember most of them.

In fact, I surprised myself that i found this blog of mine, too. How did I actually gone through the past one year, with my soul wandering around so much that I can't remember things? I frowned, again.

I think I should start writing again, so that I can read myself like a story book in the future, when I forgot about things again. "Stupid" is the only word I can describe myself now.

***

I was kinda like dragging myself to the office this morning, thanks to Stephenie Meyer I've been very hardworking lately, reading till my eyes can't take it anymore every night before I was totally knocked off.

***

Boss is rushing us again to meeting now. I really hate Monday!

***

April 2008, exactly a year ago. Filming for my music video on a rooftop.

So who has abandoned who?

2008-09-10T10:45:00.008+08:00

I feel abandoned. Lately, I've been waiting for the feelings to come back to me, they have been missing for months and I've been looking all around for them. I could not find a right place, or a right time nor a right things to write about, there are always something seems missing.

I have not been writing entries for my blog for long time, if it wasn't for the time and date stated on my last entry, I would not even remember when was the last time I wrote. My readers keep telling me that I've abandoned my blog, have I?

Well as a matter of fact, I was the one who has been abandoned. From time to time, day and night, I've been thinking of my blog and I've been wanting to start writing again, I did not, and have not forget about it. But I just couldn't find the right feelings to lay fingers on the keyboard... So I must say, I've been abandoned...for a very long time...

Having Media Ethics class with Meng Yoe now, my eyelids are getting heavier. Thanks for the little lame jokes, otherwise I would have crashed on the table long ago...

*

A lil' update to my friends here, I've been really tied up with my college and work lately, hardly get enough time to sleep, don't even think about chilling with friends or hanging out as often as I used to.

Did a print ad shoot for Hong Kong Disneyland's Halloween in FRIM(the reserve forest in Kepong) last week. It was pretty fun, my first time hanging out in the forest late at night, and the makeup artistc couldn't stop telling us his lame ghost stories, trying to scare us off...lol!!! I must say, it was also my longest waiting hours for a shoot as we need to wait till it stops raining for the crew to set up the site. We reached FRIM at 4pm and the shoot only started around 9pm... *yawn*

Me sitting in the middle of the road next to the jungle

Frederick(the male talent) and me

David Lee(another male talent)

I'm sorry

2008-07-08T13:49:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I think I'm just too dense to realized that you're actually in pain. I'm not being an ignorant, but I think it's really my own problem in making effort to care for others. I fact, I can't even make effort to care for myself. Forgive me for being too confident that you will alway be fine, or rather, was it me that I have never really spend times to find out? I think I'm just being a jerk.

I always thought that I'm an intuitive person, but how did I not foreseen your feeling? I used to be so confident that we are the same kind and we share lotsa things in common, I couldn't help it to blame myself for I've never ask you "How are you feeling, babe?". All that I've done was just waiting, thinking that you'll tell me when the time is right. It was our common practice to give each other some space, wasn't it? But I guess too much space could become ignorance.

I'm sorry that I have not been a really great friend babe, and I'm so terribly sorry that I've brought him into your life causing you so much pain. I thought he could be your happiness, again I screwed it up with my very own perceptions. Was reading your blog in the class just now, it was actually my first time reading it. I feel so sorry for you, and I almost cried. Sorry that I was kinda late. Enjoy your holiday in HK and hope you'll get well soon babe. Love you always.

p/s: I'll be here if you need me.

The very 3 seconds

2008-07-06T21:12:00.005+08:00

After weeks searching for the Vono Soup tvc, thanks to Michael I finally get to see it from PRS film's website. I have yet to see it from the television by my own eyes as I'm not a TV person, I spend most of my times in front of my macbook than anything. Yeah I know it's unhealthy but I guess I'm just one of the victim of this new generation's disease, it's called the....erm...whatever whatever Internet disease.

Back to story. The main hero of this Vono Soup tvc was Belinda Chee as you can see, I was just a small feature in it. Another talent in the ad was Christina Teh, who I called the "lil Danielle Graham" as I thought she's kinda resembles Danielle Graham. A 30 seconds tvc, my face only appeared less than 3 seconds so I guess you won't have the time to blink your eyes if you want to look for me in the ad.

Anyway, I better get back to my assignments it's pilling up again. So here you go, enjoy....

Farewell

2008-06-19T22:48:00.004+08:00

1135pm
17th June 2008 Tuesday

Driving home, images of my uncle lying on ICU's bed keeps repeating in my mind. It didn't feels right, I could not help it to make a call to my mum to check things out since she's still in the hospital, "you called at the right time, your uncle just left us....." I couldn't speak for a few moment when I heard this. Another farewell. We all expected this isn't it? But why does this news still have such an impact on me? My mind went blank and suddenly image of my late father appears.

Back in the hospital, in the ICU unit of Sg. Buloh Hospital, my uncle's lying helplessly on the bed with his son(my cousin) inside reminding him to breath from time to time, even though his throat has already connected to the "breathing machine" or whatever you called it. His heart rate dropped tremendously to 30 heart beats per minute, then shoot up to 51 beat per minute for a little while and slowly declining again. This situation persists since morning, it looked like he's in a coma but everyone believed that his mind is conscious. All the drugs had been removed from him since morning, doctor concluded that there's nothing else we could do except for getting ready and wait for that moment to come. He has been holding on since this morning, what could have possibly held him up? A person? Almost everyone came to the hospital except for one, my grandma. No one dares to bring her here to witness the tragedy even if the fact was that my uncle is waiting for her, to see his beloved mother for one last time before he leave. He persisted, for as long as he could.

At approximately 1145pm, I was told through the phone that my uncle has finally left us. He didn't make it to see my grandma after all. I feel deeply sorry for him, for the fact that he must leave everything behind now, those things and peoples he is clinging to. Farewell, I often relate it with sunset. When the sun's going down, it's not up to anyone to decide how long it shall stay in the sky, it'll still go down at it's own pace, regardless.

Photo credited to www.hawaiiphotoblog.com

Goodbye uncle, we'll miss you here, and I know you'll miss us in heaven too.

Long-lost-blog

2008-06-12T12:14:00.005+08:00

12.17pm Thursday
IACT College

Another hang over day, had a rough night.
In Journalism class now, looking at the lecturer my head starts to spin. It's not that he's a lousy lecturer, but I'm just a lousy student. Lol. I couldn't help it to open up my macbook, it immediately logged on to the internet through the foyer's wifi. Well, since the only way to stay awake in the class is to do something that interests you, I know it sounds like an excuse but I'm really falling asleep if I don't have my macbook with me now.

I know my last entry was ages ago, I've been wanting to do more writing after that but there were always barriers. Apology to my readers, I've seen the messages you guys left for me and I wanted to write earlier but....as I said, barriers.

I'll tell you more about what happened in the past few months in my next entry. It's ridiculous how my eyes start to hurt just by looking at the screen, I'm aging....oh my god!

A short holiday in Bangkok with Rach and friends

Lonely Valentine's Day....not...

2008-02-14T09:49:00.005+08:00

It doesn't need to be lonely at all for being single on Valentine's Day.....if you received such amount of text messages, from peoples who loves and care for you........ Thank you for spamming my phone's inbox guys.

120 text messages...how can I not take a pic about this?

Thank you everyone for your concern I truly appreciate it. It' s funny that the amount of text messages I received for Valentine's Day this year is almost same as the amount of text messages I received on Chinese New Year. This has NEVER happened in my life.....I reckon that's mostly because of my status now...SINGLE.

LMAO... I know you guys were just worried about me for being single on Valentine's Day, don't worry I'm not gonna be pitiful. I'll be fine and in fact, I reckon that it's gonna be my best Valentine's Day compared to those that I had.

Anyway, sorry that I haven't been updating my blog for a while, was so into my Chinese New Year. I'm basically allowing myself transforming into a PIG...sleep, eat, sleep, eat......Well, talk about Chinese New Year, I really need to mention about my house. I love going home on Chinese New Year, it's really quite a scene. And not only my house but also my neighborhood's. We'll have all the massive lanterns and lights deco up our house every Chinese New Year, and the fun part is, it's getting greater each year and we'll all somehow has some mutual 'understanding' to put up deco that matches each other's deco.

Photo that I took from my house

My fave CNY plant...

The rhtym of the rain

2008-01-31T02:08:00.000+08:00

0210am
Sitting in front of my macbook as usual, trying to get myself to work on some assignments. It has been piled up like a mountain now, haven't really have the mood to deal with them lately. Sigh...lazy ass, I know...

It's raining outside, I am supposed to be on my bed now, it's gonna be a long day tomorrow. But I just couldn't help it to stay for a little while to listen to the rain. I always love it when it rains at night, love listening to it, it's like a sleeping rhythm that calms me down. I hope it rains till the next morning when I wake up.....

Listen to the rain, it's chanting to my heart....

*

Lately, I have been told by my blog readers, that I'm an emotional girl. I'm not sure, am I? Well I guess I'm just being sensitive to things that happens around me. I can be easily touched. I'm touched when there are actually someone out there who reads my blog just to get to understand me; I'm touched when I see a baby smile; I'm touched when I see my mum happy; I'm touched when I listen to certain songs.... I think it's just in my blood, that I live to indulge in every little great things in life.

0257am
It's running late, think I better get some sleep now. Well, I truly hope that I can sleep tonight...

Once upon a time....

2008-01-29T01:40:00.001+08:00

Haha...oh my goodness!!!! I was digging up some old documents today and I saw these....My primary school's report card. I've kinda forgotten that was how I looked like once upon a time, so I thought of sharing with you peoples.

Well, try to make a wild guess, which one would be me? The one on the left or the one on the right?

How to fall asleep?

2008-01-22T03:50:00.000+08:00

This matter has been bothering me since forever, insomnia...It seems like my life can't really get away from insomnia, I have tried in many ways, to fall asleep...

1. Work out till I drop
2. Drink hot milk before sleep
3. Sleeping pills (valium) it works but I stopped it cause it's damaging to my health
4. Meditate
5. Wake up early
6. Take Melatonin to sleep
7. Drink myself to sleep
8. Or....pretend to sleep...

Tranquilizing myself.....

It seems like most of the methods that I've tried are not really working for me...but tonight I guess I'm gonna try to drink myself to sleep again, with double dose of alcohol this time...

When Capricorn Falls In Love (I)

2008-01-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

What would it be like, when you fall in love? Most people would just quickly dive into it and go with the flow; some would take a little longer to contemplate then join in later when they're sure of it; some would just sit back and watch. Which one are you?

For me, a 26-year-old Capricorn, I'd pretty much love to be one who just sits back and watch. Stay away from the risks - a typical Capricorn instinct. But the fact is, "what you'd love to be" and "what you really are", are two different and opposing entities, often paradoxical. Humiliating? Not yet, more humiliatingly, I can't really think and behave like a Capricorn most of the time. The Gemini in me is so egoistical and ready to take over now.

To be frank, I am very afraid to fall in love. Anyway, it's not easy for me to fall for someone and it's getting even harder now. Is it a god sign or bad sign? I wonder...

Falling in love is never a game for me, and for that, I don't give up easily. I often see couples breaking up and getting back like a routine. It looks funny to me as I can never understand the way they handle a relationship. As if the words "break-up" has become the weapon every time when arguments occur. It's not surprising to see them back together and as sweet as ever on the same night when they have actually broken up in the morning. But I guess everyone has their very own style in taking care of their relationship.

Say it and mean it. That's my principle for life. Break up means give up to me. Through experiences, I've came to learn not to mention the words "BREAK UP" unless you really mean it. Once mentioned there's no turning back. I always believe it needs both parties to give in to work things out, and to strike a balance. It will be pathetic when one constantly has the idea of giving up while the other one is always trying to give in more and more in order to patch things up. The ending is pretty obvious here and I guess I don't need to be long winded telling you what's the outcome of it.

I can become the stupidest person alive when I really fall hard for someone, and therefore, I am very afraid to do so. Just like anybody else, or rather, any other girl, "Happily-ever-after" is the most ideal thing to happen in life. But my Capricorn instinct keeps telling me not to be a fool as Happily-ever-after only happens in fairy tales. So what happened to the good old fashion kinda boy meets girl love?

Capricorn says, "Don't fall into it!"
Gemini says, "You wouldn't know if you never try...."

I hate Shanghai!!!

2008-01-19T03:29:00.000+08:00

I hate it!!! I hate it!!! I hate it!!! I hate it!!! I hate it!!!
Yes I know how nice, how beautiful it is in Shanghai...but I just hate it!!!!!

Beautiful Shanghai, but I hate you!!!

First Love

2008-01-15T19:54:00.000+08:00

I wonder why, "First Love" is always the purest, most pleasurable and amazing experience when it appears on movies and novels, and even songs. Every time when anyone talks about 1st love, I wonder if I have missed something in my 1st relationship......

First love, was it supposed to be dreamy?

To be frank, it was ehem.....not so "interesting" though. I don't remember any sparks or fireworks within. In fact, there is nothing worth mentioning about from that relationship apart from his family that treated me so well. I'm deeply touched that they've made me part of their family and even till now, the warmth that I felt still remains.

My "1st love", it lasted for around 3 years, I can't remember exactly how long it lasted. I ended it right upon my graduation from my 1st college for my Diploma In Computing & IT. He was a great guy, he treated me well. But I chose to call it off, it was hurtful but I know it was the right thing to do.

I still remember, the day when his mother and his youngest sister found out that we've broken up, they've cried. I couldn't help myself to cry too, cause I know they've already taken me in as part of their family, and my decision screwed up everything. But I know, that's the right thing to do.

I met him when I was 18. It was weird that I've kinda predicted and told myself that this relationship ain't gonna last, from the 1st day I met him. It was my Capricorn instinct I guess. I was rushing into a relationship, without thinking much. Naive, wasn't it? I'm not even sure if I have really loved him before, or maybe I should just call it my "puppy love". But I'm wondering if I can still call a 3-year-relationship a "PUPPY LOVE" at the age of 18, can I?

Tis relationship was kinda like a barter trade or guid pro gou for me, we exchanged what we needed and meanwhile enjoyed each other's companionship. In that 3 years, I've turned a rebellious, naive young guy into a good son, good brother and even more, a better person. (not trying to praise myself here, lol) From a teenager who doesn't care about his studies, to someone who've learned to take on responsibilities in course's projects and assignments. From a guy who loves to race and speed and fight in late nights, to a guy who goes home everyday after college to be with the family. I'd like to believe that was the reason why his family loved me so much. In return, I got my transportation, food and sometimes even accommodation, all taken care of.

So, how did it ended? Why did I end it? I don't really know the exact answer to that, it wasn't easy to let go but I knew I just had to do it. I believe that's what you call "The Turning Point". My mother screwed me up like mad cause she'd pretty much hoped that he could become her son in law. Well, it's a little too early to talk about marriage, mother. My ideal marriage age is 25, well I guess it's not happening as I'm already 26.

He went out with one of my ex-college mate after that, and picked up smoking again. I know even better, that I've really made a right choice to leave him, I felt happy to see him in love again. I was just disappointed for all the efforts that I've taken to stop him from smoking, I can't remember how much tears I've shed for that, it could be a couple of pails....sigh there goes my precious tears....At least I've learned something, that I shall not change anyone, take it the way they are, or leave it.

So, ehem...Firts Love huh? What should I say more? I just realized that I don't even have a picture of him....Oh yes, you can call me heartless, now that you've found out how evil I am....

Doll...

2008-01-13T15:04:00.000+08:00

It has been 3 days now, I can't really talk, I can't smile....
And the "best" thing is, I don't have any expression on my face, anymore.

I always used to imagine myself turning into a Barbie Doll someday, so that I don't feel a single emotions, I don't need to show any expression on my face and nobody will knows what am I thinking. All you can see is the same face with the same expression on me, calm, or rather, cold.

Now that I have finally lost my expressions on my face, I'm partially turning into a Barbie but the only thing different is, I still have feelings... It made things harder for me as it has become more complex than just being a doll. The pain on my gum is still hurting me, it's alright I can still take it. Feeling all the emotions inside of me while presenting an emotionless expression on my face, makes me feel like as if I'm wearing a mask, hiding myself away from others......

happy birthday to.........me...

2008-01-03T14:48:00.000+08:00

Alright alright people, it's official now, I've turned 26.

happy birthday to......me!!!!

Thanks a million to those who wished me last night and I'm sorry that I was kinda wasted to reply you....

Tomorrow please don't come....

2008-01-02T13:40:00.000+08:00

Oh my god, how I wish I could freeze the time now till I figure it out. Tomorrow please don't come so fast...Hang on!!! I'm not ready yet!!!!

Will you ever hear me, god?

Unready Farewell

2008-01-01T14:36:00.000+08:00

Sorry, I've totally forgotten.....to say "Goodbye" to 2007....
I also forgotten, to buy myself a last cup of Baskin Robin for year 2007...
2008, you've came too fast, I'm kinda of not ready yet, but nevertheless, WELCOME!!!

One of my fave pic taken on new year eve 2007, in Poppy Garden.

Last night was crazy, it was totally a bad idea to work. (Well, basically I'll need to work when everyone's having holiday) Stuck in the crowd like Sardin I almost passed out. I couldn't remember anything except for the crazy peoples, the gross sweaty arms around me, and the stuffy air. It was almost impossible even to make a small step forward.

But it was kinda entertaining to watch how the peoples gone wild and crazy. Serious office ladies dancing on the tables; old uncles shaking off their butt as if they're still eighteens; sixteens dressing up like twenty-six; eighty dressing up like eighteen.... You can almost see all kinda peoples here. In fact I've already seen these for thousands times but I just couldn't help it to look at them and being amused.

1205 am, 1/1/2008
On our way rushing back to the car (couldn't stand the crowd anymore), the fireworks started. It was so incredible we had to stay for it. I always have this 'Fantasy' for fireworks, it gave me lotsa dreams....I really wanted to share with you the clip my supervisor recorded with his phone but the file was too big to be uploaded...

1230 am, 1/1/2008
Got in the car and prepared to move out of The Curve...it was a crazy long que the cars weren't moving. It took us about 2 hours just to get out to the main road. It almost bored me to death sitting in the car that we have to crack out stupid jokes and games to entertain each other...

Me with the silly looking glass

My Supervisor of the year, Uncle Choong.... We were playing "Traveling-Outa-Space-Game" in the car while stuck in the jam.

Mummy's day....

2007-12-30T18:38:00.000+08:00

sIt's Sunday, last two days of 2008.

*

Woke up at 2pm today and found myself exceptionally missing mummy, I decided to call it the Mummy's day and wanna spend my whole day with her, till she goes to bed...

missing pieces...

2007-12-29T02:30:00.000+08:00

It's Friday night again, it's been officially a week now...

*

My mobile has been making lotsa noises since 10pm. Phone calls and text messages keeps coming in, I somehow just don't feel like answering or reading nor replying any of them. I know it must be them again asking me out again...I know I'm so bad but I promise that I'll return the calls tomorrow morning...

*

1115pm, alcohol inside my body starts taking effect as I driving back home. I just wish to reach home as soon as possible while I can still manage to hold myself up. It was just so strange that he's always not far from my thoughts, even when I'm kinda 'screwed up' now. Took out my mobile and sent him a text. It's Friday night, he should be out.

*

0257am, laying on my bed, still feeling the daze. The phrase "This is the beginning of something special" keeps repeating on my mind. I should probably get some sleep....

My Evil-Twinsssss

2007-12-28T14:41:00.000+08:00

I have many friends. In fact, I have hell lotsa friends.

*

Well, after working in this field for 5 years now, it's not a surprise to have the amount of friends that I'm having now. But I always believe in a saying, "No matter how many friends you've got, if you don't have a friend that can be there to catch you when you fall, you don't have a friend."

*

I've been blessed. Not only that I've found a couple of true buddies, I also found my "Evil-Twins".

*

My 1st Evil-Twin

I guess without me introducing, most of you already know the girl next to me in this picture. For those who doesn't know her yet, please meet my very 1st Evil-Twin, Christina Ng.

It was strange how I came to know about Christina Ng. I've heard about her for thousand times even before I met her. And I've been told that I look so much like her all the time, people who barely knows me or her, will get confused in differentiating between us. I'm not sure if Christina have been called "Alexandra", but as for myself, I've been called "Christina" for so many times, until I've lost count on it.

Before I met Christina(nana), my only definition of Christina when people asked me about her was...."we look alike". And finally, before Christmas 2007, I've met her in person, she's such a sweet and bubbly girl, we'll be none stop talking and joking whenever we meet, and it was strange that how we've finally become good friends...

October 2007, we've got a chance to traveled to Singapore for a Corporate shoot together. We tried to take as many pictures together as possible, since everyone's saying we look alike. We would really love to find out if it's true... Well personally, I think Nana is way cuter and sweeter than I am, in compare to her, I'm kinda quiet sometimes....But I'm happy to have her as my 1st Evil-Twin.

And perhaps, our friendship will grow as time travel...

p/s: I'm so happy to have you babe. Muax!!!

*

My 2nd Evil-Twin

Sometimes I just think that I have a rather common face, some faces that you can see almost everywhere...sigh..where's my uniqueness???

*

Besides Nana, I've also been told that I look this girl in the picture.........
Maybe we spend too much times together, regardless of working, traveling or having fun, we're doing it together most of the time. And I think we've kinda adapted and evolved to each other's look and expression...Oh by the way, have you know her yet? She's one of my "Bestest" buddy when Mun Mun's left to UK. Her name is Racheal, she prefered to be called Rach sometimes..

It's just so fantastic that we have a lots in common. Like the way we "Ignore certain people or how we reply smses", lmao, and so much more...(well the rest are for us(me+rach) to know only)

We're both Capricorn and we share common interests, accept for her weird habit that she doesn't watch movie. Watching movie is a total waste of time and energy for her...i wonder why...But nevertheless, we're buddies and we understand each other's likes and hates...muah babe i love you~~~

*

Somehow, I've worked out on some mathematics about three of us...and it doesn't make sense.

If Christina look like me, then the formula is...

C = A;

And Rach look like me...

R = A;

But.....Rach and Christina doesn't look alike...

R =/ C;

erm...? C = A ; R = A;.......? I'm confused, how do I solve this?

"Bar Tendering" at Bangkok...

2007-12-24T05:20:00.000+08:00

I was 'cleaning up' my baby Mac today and I saw this clip, reminds me of our LOVELY Bangkok trip....This clip was taken in Woot Woot's room, after one idiot taxi driver took us to a horrible club, we rushed back to the hotel and decided to just chill and have fun in the room.

I really missed all the stupid jokes and silly games we had that night...so when can we do it again???

Shower....

2007-12-21T16:35:00.001+08:00

Tell me, how exactly would you feel like, if they're somebody watching when you're in your nice shower....?

Somebody have seen me in shower, and probably they've been seeing me in shower almost everyday and not only that, they've been discussing about my shower...lmao...

I'm just feeling weird every time when I see this picture even though it was just an ad. Probably next time I should appear in some nice cozy Nescafe ad so I won't have those "somebody's watching me in shower" kinda ideas...

Thanks Reon for the photograph

Well, this is the very 1st billboard ad that I've done , I was so excited and happy when I 1st saw it along the highway few months back. So I'm showering on the highway, so what? lol...

Singapooooorrrree...~~~ : Part III

2007-11-10T16:56:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling really really lazy lately, that's why it took me so long to finished up my Singapore trip story, and in fact, I'm back from my Bangkok Trip (my 2nd trip) long time ago...lol..

Well, it wasn't really a FUN trip for me. After Victor finished his makeup and stuffs, we headed off to the 1st club of the night, I say 1st club because we were basically doing a lotsa club hopping for that night.

We have one Zouk and Velvet in KL, so it was a must to explore the Zouk and Velvet in Singapore as well. Woot Woot said Velvet Singapore is a bomb, well.....ehemm...let's see.

Velvet Singapore

A picture that I took wit my camera, this is the deco of the ceiling in Velvet Singapore

Velvet Sinagpore is pretty much similar to Velvet KL, except there're not as much crowd here and the decorations are a lil diff...and a lil cold here. After a few glasses, we walked over to Zouk as Woot Woot said it'll be better crowd and more fun there, but...sigh...kinda disappointed. We all missed KL again...

Since there wasn't any fun there in Zouk, we ended up playing our silly Superhero Game... lol..

We ended up pretty tipsy and starts playing a fool in front of the camera. Rach's friend from Singapore came over to join us in Zouk. In order to get out the this place as soon as possible, we tried our very best to make woot woot and the rest of the guys finished up the bottle in the shortest time so that we can go explore other happening places in town.

Well at last when we finally got to MOS, we were bored too...sigh...so we went to 'explore' the toilets there...lol

Well, even in the toilet, we're not allowed to smoke.

sigh...so boring...what else can we do...?

Oh ya...cam-whoring...

Finally, we called it a night. Nana was pretty wasted, it's time for some supper...yeah!!!

Singapooooorrrree...~~~ : Part II

2007-10-31T02:46:00.000+08:00

20th Oct 2007, Sat
1015pm, we left SLS office and headed off for dinner. We were kinda running out of time, Woot Woot said we're gonna be late for party, which the word "late" has never been exist in my "Party-Bible", the later the better. But it was totally different for him. For him, I shall believe that "Party" is one of his jobs and responsibilities, therefore he must be ON-TIME to party, LMAO. So we have not much choice but to quickly feed ourselves at one of the hawker center named Newton Circus. It was funny that we're not allowed to smoke there, even though it's just a hawker center and opened-air, Woot Woot and Nana was suffering all the way down...lol...

Woot Woot just couldn't smile properly without his "Funky Toy"

Nana couldn't even smile without her "Funky Toy"...lol...

While we first arrived to Newton Circus, Nana realized she left her TagHeuer watch in SLS office...poor girl...

Poor Nana, let me help her to cry for a lil bit...

We have ordered some seafood that comes with rice from one of the stall, and to be frank, I missed KL's food, badly, as soon as I had my first bite on the food we've ordered. Sorry no offend fellow Singaporeans, but the food were bad, I am just telling the truth. Maybe we ordered from the wrong stall... =P But one thing I mustn't forget to mention is, the service was excellent, and that, earned back some credits.

I've gone a lil nut, since the food is bad then let's just drink instead, CHEERS!!!!

Well, basically we were traveling by cabs most for the time. And I reckon that I've broke my record of "Taxi-Journey" in my life. Never in my life that I have ridden on so many Taxis and met so many different Taxi's drivers in one single day. It made me feel kinda helpless as I was so used to drive around on my own whenever I want, but there, we have to totally depend on Taxi to bring us around...and the waiting was not easy. No Taxi = No Leg.

Me and Woot Woot while waiting for the Cab

As soon as we reached the hotel, another cam-whoring session started when we were in our room while waiting for Woot Woot to freshen up and get dress....I think he needs to make up too...=P

Well, is Singapore ready to party...?!!?

Singapooooorrrree...~~~

2007-10-27T05:53:00.000+08:00

*Update this entry with some new pics*

This entry's going be full of photos...I'm kinda lazy to write.. *blek*

20th Oct 2007, Sat
0830am, we finally "set foot" on Singapore... four of us almost drop dead on the floor, but that didn't stop us from our cam whoring session...

A bunch of zombies and an energetic driver, Mr JJ.

The shoot started at 730pm at SLS HQ @ Singapore, Amanda and I slept like nobody's business in the hotel, while Rach and Nana went out for their very 1st shopping in Singapore. I wondered if they don't need to sleep... =P

At SLS office, they started off with Nana's scene, and actually this was the 1st time three of us worked together (besides Friendster Cafe's shoot), most of the time we were trying to make fun whenever we can. In fact, we made used of every single opportunity we could find to make some silly jokes, until the director got a lil inpatient, lol.

I was helping Nana to get dressed

Cute Nana as the customer service

As usual, the "vain-me" constantly checking on my make up in front of the mirror, before my turn. I'll let the photos do the talking....

Dear Manda and me in the so-called "changing room"

Rach: I like this uniform, the cutting is good!

Me: #@#&%..........oh really...?? I don't see any cutting.....

Rach: Huh???
Me: LMAO....They gave me the wrong size....

Getting final touch-up before go on screen.

We are ready, are u....?

And no, we didn't forget to make fun while waiting....

Playing a fool.....

*cry* so hungry, still haven't finished shooting....

Director: Later when the camera rolls, you blah blah blah.....
Me: *nodded*...*nodded*.....*nodded*.....

Alright, let's be serious now... "Moshi moshi...."

The shoot last about 2 hours, it was rather a quick one. I have to admit that we were all super tired due to the long travel and sleepless night before, but when the shoots end, we suddenly felt awake, again.... It's time to party!!! And before we leave SLS office, cam whoring session started again...

Planning on our activities for the next few days...

The blurry me..

Manda, Rach, Nana and me

Me, Manda and Rach...

Welcome to SLS, but please don't expect to see us here...lol...

to be continue...

p/s: Special Thanks to Christina, Woot Woot and Spiel for the photos.

Sleepless Journey

2007-10-26T03:42:00.000+08:00

Some friends have been waiting for me to write some stories about my Singapore trip, I'm actually still waiting for the photos....so while waiting, let me write about some with the photos I captured with my mobile.

19th Oct 2007, Friday
2am in the morning, after work. I headed down to Friendster Cafe in Damansara Perdana to meet up the rest. Everyone was waiting for me I felt kinda guilty, lol.

3am, after some munchies to fill up our stomach, we started out journey. Brought along the sleeping pills that I've got from the doc the other day, I had been struggling whether to it so that I could get some sleep while traveling. For a few times, I took it out and put it back again. The driver must have thought that I was crazy, lol. I didn't take it, thought of giving myself another try to avoid depending on pills.

It was a really long journey, and a tiring one. Staring at the highway, it was funny that I was actually trying to look for the edge of the road from the other end. What would it be, at the end of the road? Anticipate, but patient is all I need, I told myself. It's just so 'me', a curious girl who constantly wondering what will life be when I turn 50.

It seems like a never ending journey for me, sitting aside and watching the stars in the sky. Wishing that I would be lucky enough to see a shooting star (never seen it in my life). Waiting and waiting, I realized the sky started to change color. Dawn's approaching again. Well it's just another sleepless night, I've expected this to happened.

Sunrise of the highway

My extremely tired look

What would it be in Singapore? It better be good.... Or I'm gonna kill Vic (woot woot).

Singapore...I'm not ready yet...

2007-10-19T19:14:00.000+08:00

Will be leaving to Singapore tonight, sigh... Haven't touch a single bit on my revision yet, I'm not ready for it, but I'll still keep my promised, I'll go =) Feel like getting away from town for a bit, anyway.

1st time in my life, I'm so not prepare for an oversea trip, well I haven't pack a single thing, I haven't look for my passport, I haven't change the Singapore currency, I haven't think of what to bring, and I haven't call the driver yet (don't feel like calling, will let Racheal do the calling ^.^)

But don't know worry Vic, I'll give you the best shot of me for your corporate video, I will try... :P
Anyway, did I mentioned to any of you before? My last trip to Singapore was when I was 5-year-old... So it's been 20 years now, I can't really imagine how's it like. Lol I sound so lame...

Doc said I'm ill....

2007-10-19T04:37:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a 24 hours clinic. Went to get some sleeping pills so that it can help me to get some sleeps at night, but doc told me that I'll need to go to the psychiatrist, she said that I might have got mild depression and anxiety.....

Oh my...I was kinda frighten by her expression when she told me that, she looks really serious and worry about me. Lmao.... She must be kidding me, it's either something went wrong with her diagnose, or something wrong with her.....I'm still a happy girl, I just don't know how to sleep early. :P

Anyway, I've succeeded in getting my pills, but I've got only 2 tablets +_+ The doc was so stubborn and insisted to arrange me to go to the psychiatrist next week.... =.= Let me think about it first k, doc?

sigh...only 2 tablets....

X'mas came early this year...

2007-10-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

You know what? Santa read my blog!!! And x'mas really came early to me this year. After I posted the new entry, I've received this today.....

Santa Claus has been really efficient, I'm so touched....Wondering what's inside, will it be the sleeping candies that I asked for? hmm.....? *trying hard to figure out*

Are you kidding me dear Santa? These candies really can put me to sleep???? hmm... Anyway, I'm so happy to received it. ^.^ Maybe it'll works....
*pray hard that I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight*

Can I sleep now...?

2007-10-18T05:48:00.000+08:00

Am I sick? Am I? I'm not sure....but I think most likely I am...

Forced myself to bed at 330am, I was tired. Wished that I could slowly adjust back my sleeping time, just when I almost fall asleep, I woke up again for no reasons. Thought that maybe I should give myself another try, tossed and turned around my bed trying to find a more comfortable position so that I could fall asleep again, after an hour of struggling, I gave up...

Sigh...I am so tired now, I was tired even before 2am, but why I just couldn't put myself to sleep? My insomnia has come to a critical level I guess....maybe I should seriously consider getting myself some sleeping pills...No, I think I must get some sleeping pills...

Would Santa please come earlier this year? Cause I would love to make a wish now.....

My beloved brother, SW Wong

2007-10-16T19:27:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to do this, to write about someone...
People, this is going to be a long entry, I'm gonna introduce to you someone special in my life...here you go...

Do you know who is this handsome man here? Oh well people I'm sure you do, if you don't then you better get to know him, cause he's a significant one in my life.

He is a great photographer, a great husband, a great father, a great friend to hangout with, and most of all....

he is my beloved pet brother....

It's been almost 4 years now since we known each other, he has always been there for me and I know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him as a brother. Coincidently, we have the same surname, it makes us even more like a sibling... He has been very supportive to me in everything that I do, giving me advices and councils like a real brother.

I have 2 elder brothers at home but none of them bother to take the responsibility to take care of me since my dad passed away. I've learned to look after myself since form 4, working my ass off to earn a living. Along the way, there were some peoples who were trying to bring me down, but I am lucky enough to have friends who've been giving me helping hands, it was them who helped me make it till today. My beloved brother is one of them...

Year 2004, my 1st step into beauty pageant, Miss Hypertune 2004 Competition. I wasn't the winner but it was a good experience for me, I've got to know a couple of good friends from there. This shall be the very 1st photo that my brother captured for me while I was on the stage, before he got to know me. And this was the champion shot as I couldn't find any better pic of me than this during the competition. He was just so incredible cause he made me looked so good~~~ lol..

Press conference of Miss Malaysia Tourism 2005, I guessed some of you have seen this photo. This is where we got to know each other. As usual, he's got the best shot of me and I was impressed. And here's where the story of our brother-sisterhood began.

from left: Sun, me, Carmen, Zoey, Tarsha

Well, I was totally not in the mood to join that pageant after the Miss Hytertune competition, if it wasn't because of them, my buddies. This is another shot by my bro, he always know what I like, even before he knows me. Ever since then, he has attended every pageant that I've joined, to cheer me up and support me. I remembered 2 years ago, when I was in a pageant in Melaka (I forgot what pageant was that, lol), my bro purposely drove down to Sg Long to pick up my best friend, Carmen and came all the way down to Melaka to support me, I was so touched. ^.^

A shot of me and my beloved bro behind the stage of one of the pageant. Good looking, isn't he?

Besides being a great photographers, my brother is also a super brilliant and smart guy. He's a quick thinker and a fast learner, he'll never stop learning, and for this, I adore him. Few months back, he surprised me with this...

http://www.alexandrawong.info/

A Flash-based website of my own. My only reaction when I saw this page was, jaw dropped. I was stoned for a few minutes staring at my screen couldn't believe my own eye, oh my god! This is the best gift ever I've receive in my life, tears of joy rolling down my cheek. I started to cracked my head, trying to figure out what kinda occasion was it, why am I receiving this wonderful gift... I even stupid enough to asked him," Bro it's not my birthday yet, why are you giving me this? You really love me so much??? " I was totally surprise and amazed by him, for his talent and passion. He wasn't from IT background, his "willing-to-learn" attitude is the main driving force behind that allowed him to make this website happened. In the progress, he even ran over to MPH to look for some recourses and tips about creating a Flash-based website, half way through his gym. Even my Ex-boyfriends never treated me as good, really, I'm so so so so so touched...And when i asked him why, his only answer was," It was a learning experience." Once again, I was amazed and totally solute him. And yes, it has 100% proven to me that you don't need a reason or an occasion to surprise someone that you care about.

And before I forget, if you people need tips and advices on slimming down and toning up, my brother will be the best adviser. You probably won't believe it if I tell you this was him few years back.

He worked hard to earn what he has got today, every single thing, inclusive of his "Spartan" body now. And most of all, he has earned my total respects and salutations.

Here are some random photos of my brother and me:

Party-Night-Out @ Poppy Garden 2006

My birthday celebration @ Royal BIntang 2007

Velvet 2007

Velvet 2007 (latest) - i love this pic

Well here's a note for my dear-beloved-pet-brother,

First of all, I would love to say, thanks a million, for playing a role in my life. I'm definitely a lucky one to have a loving brother like you, and I bet Carmen feel the same, too. It's been quite sometimes now since we've known each other, and you're the one who watch me evolve, from a "naive" girl to the person I am today. I know and I remember every single thing that you've done for me, and I appreciate every single effort that you've poured into this relationship. There are too much for me to mention about, but I still love to mention a few...

*Thank you for supporting me when i decided to go back to study, and I'm so sorry that I've troubled you to a lot in applying the loan from your credit card, and I'm terribly sorry that in the end I didn't take the money when the loan was approved;
*Thank you for companying me for my late night suppers and all the last-minute-call movie session;
*Thank you for taking the trouble to help me download the software for my Macbook even though you're using PC yourself;
*Thank you for taking the initiative to borrow the softwares from your friend even before I asked for your help;
*Thank you for every little thing that you've done for me without expecting anything in return;
*and most of all, thank you for being present in my life and taking care of me like your real little sister...

I really don't know how would I be able to repay you, for everything that you've done for me. The only thing that I can do now, is to say thank you...and I love you till bit. ^.~

Be still

2007-10-15T05:58:00.000+08:00

Another sleepless night. Got up from my bed and grab my macbook to the living room. Dawn's approaching soon, and I have lost count how many sun rise I've seen recently, almost every next day if I'm not mistaken.

Insomnia has been with me since forever, I remember mum once told me that I just didn't like to sleep since I was a baby, it makes me wonder if I'm born with it. Maybe I'm a potential vampire-to-be.

Sitting in the living room alone, waiting for the sky to change color, couldn't help to wonder what's future like, for me and for my family, and peoples that I love and care about. Life's unpredictable, and that's the fun part of it I guess.

Put on my headphone and start indulge myself in Kelly Clarkson's wonderful voice, she's incredible and I just couldn't get enough of one of her song "Be Still". Listening carefully to each and every word she sing, I'm touched. It's funny how easily I can tear, lately.

"Be still, let it go, before we lost hope, when we still touched and love wasn't so hard."-

This has somehow reminds me of how it was like, when love started to fade, and I was still holding his hand but my heart just don't feel the same. What's left to do to make it any better? I don't know, I've done all that I could, and even more than that. I'm so sure that you know about that, thanks for everything you gave me, the wonderful memories. But you can keep it with you, all your empty promises. Be still, and let it go now.

I did not forget our happy moments...

nor our christmas...

I remember every single moment we shared...

and I remember this kiss...

Yes I remember everything, so don't ask me anymore if I've forget about you, I just want to move on with my life, with the memories of us. I wish you all the bliss and happiness for your future dear, and sorry that I didn't make it for your birthday.

Can I do casual???

2007-10-12T18:21:00.000+08:00

I have been asked this funny question "Can you do casual?" by lotsa people around me. I was kinda puzzled, out of so many people why ask me? When I asked them why bother asking me this questions, their reply :"Don't know, cause you look like you can really do casual..." =.=''

Do I really give you people such an impression? Is it the way I look? The way I talk or the way I behave? Aiks....I always wanted to be an angel, but looks like I'm ending up becoming a devil...I've been told a thousand times since my high school time, that I have this very 'naughty' kinda look, and Yes I'm aware of it. But rather, I believe it is my "evil-smiles".

So can I do casual? I have yet to find out about that, but I seriously don't intend to involve myself in such complicated situation. Casualty, it is not a crime nor it is wrong. I perceive it as a form of rather "unique" uncommitted relationship of two individual that has chemistry for each other. In order to go for casual, you're require to possess strong mental power and high emotional quotient.

It's not a bad thing to try a casual sometimes, as you'll get to know how good you are in handling yourself and your opponent; how well you are in managing your own emotions; as well as how great you can be in analyzing situations and react accordingly. Taking control shall be the main objective. After all, it is just a mind game.

*WARNING* Don't try this game if you can't take the risk of getting hurt.

By the way, friends have been asking me to post more pics of myself, here are 2 new photos of me with evil smile ^.~

Thanks Reon, the great photographer.

Secret

2007-10-12T00:09:00.000+08:00

Secret is like a general parasites of human being, every individual carries at least 1 or 2 in their heart. The more you have the heavier your shoulder is. It is the heaviest burden you can ever have, but the funny thing is you will always hold on to it and you can't bear to let it go, grab it tide and hide it to the most confined placed in your heart so that nobody can see it.

No matter how good you're at hiding it from everyone else, you can never hide it from your conscious self. Every little thing that can be relate to it can be the key to it, to the innermost of your unrevealed truth. It is often the most fragile and vulnerable part of you that you're not willing to let anyone to come across, or rather, you'll die with it.

Everyone has their very own way of hiding their very own secret, the better you hide it, the higher status you can stand in the society. But what would you do if the secret you're having is too great and too overwhelm, it affects all your life and your everyday's living?

This has somehow reminded me of Capton Davy Jones(Capton of Flying Dutch), a tortured individual wracked by powerful emotions that he was unable to control and allowed himself to be twisted by love and hate. He finally chose to cut out his heart and lock into a box that will be hidden up forever.

Secret cannot be eliminated, the only outlet for this miasma of conflicting emotions is by sharing it.

I'm sorry Mr. Horse....

2007-10-11T16:15:00.000+08:00

Now that I've learned:

Red wine + Green tea + Green tea ice-ream + Raw Fish + Crab + Raw Horse = Sin + Insomnia

Yes you didn't see wrongly and i didn't type wrongly, it's RAW HORSE... Oh my sweet lord, forgive me for i have sin. I swear I really didn't meant to eat Mr. Horse, I was forced to do so. And i must the process of swallowing down the meat was a total torture, I didn't dare to bite it i just swallowed the whole thing. It was just a small piece but that's enough to make me feel so bad, i tears as I have never done anything more cruel than this before.

Last night I've went to Inagiku at Kek Seng Tower (a japanese restaurant) to have dinner with A couple of friends. It was a great restaurant and I think I have underestimated them initially. Before we made order,

Adrian:"Who doesn't take beef here?"
Franklene and I raised our hand.
Adrian:"What else do both of you don't eat?"
Me:"I eat anything accept beef..." Franklene nodded..
Adrian:" You sure?"
Me: (looked around the restaurant, what else they can have here accept raw fish and beef and pork?) "Yes I'm so sure you can order anything for both of us accept beef..."
Adrian:" Okok...good..."

When the dish came, I saw 3 pieces of raw meat in red colour.
Me:" Adrian, what is this?"
Adrian:" This is horse meat, you said you eat anything accept beef. So you must try this, this thing is freaking expensive you must eat it..."
Me: (dropped my jaw looking at the meat).............

I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry x infinity. I really didn't meant to eat you Mr. Horse......I was too stoned when i swallowed down the meat last night, I forgot to take a pic of it because I only know that I want to make it as fast as possible. I don't want to know, and I don't want to remember how it taste like..

Thankyou for loving me, please set yourself free.

2007-10-04T03:58:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been loved by someone, that you couldn't love them in return? I'm sure you had, me too. No intension to praise myself at all here, but I'd just want to share this feeling.

Few days ago, I've received an sms from him, "You're still the one that I love, nobody can replace you in my heart." I was stoned for a few seconds, memories evokes. After 2 years, finally he contacted me, again. But I wasn't happy at all to read the message.

Being working as a freelance talent for 5 years, it's not surprise to have a couple peoples who admire me. Most of them come and go, and all of them just adore me for the way i look. Some even tell me they love me after meeting me for a few times, what a joke? Come on you don't even know me! I couldn't care less. But situation change when you have someone who has been there like forever, adores you and loves you, unconditionally, what would you do?

Knew him since form 4, when I was only 17. He has been there for every moment when I needed him, regardless that I was actually having a boyfriend or not. He likes me since the very first time he met me, but I know it's impossible for us to work things out, there's no chemistry between us, so i rejected him. He smiles gently and said, "It's alright, I don't care. I just know that I like you, and I want you to be happy...." I was pretty much annoyed that he just doesn't give up.

In order to show him that I was totally not into him, I've got my 1st boyfriend at the age of 18. Surprisingly he was alright with that. I thought that he must had understood what i wanted, and we became best friend. He was there for every second when I needed a chauffeur, a companion, an adviser or whatever you can named of. This situation remained until I had my 3rd boyfriend. He couldn't take it anymore, "I'm sorry I just can't be there for you anymore. At least not at the moment." He said sadly. I was surprised.

All these while, we've been taking each other so differently. For 8 years, I've been taking him as my best friend that I can share every secrets to. I thought he was doing the same, cause he didn't show any hint that he was still "into" me. Or I was simply too retarded to find out about that. It totally hurts me when i know the truth, that he actually been loving me for such a long time, he must had been living in pain seeing me falling in love again and again with some other guys. It hurts me to know that I have hurt him. It hurts me even more to find out that the fact that I just couldn't repay him, cause my feeling for him can only remain as best friend's level. There's no possibility to move beyond that.

It's been 10 years now, he still couldn't let it go. I'm touched to know that there's somebody who loves me with all his heart for 10 years, but I'm upset because I can never give him what he wants.

I'm sorry KW, thank you for loving me. Please let me go and set yourself free.

My crazy act...

2007-10-02T00:42:00.000+08:00

Here's one of the old entry that have been kept in KIV for sometimes. I was mad busy last few months. Guess what? I've finally done something that i always wanted to do for so many years... Always didn't have the guts to do it, but I've finally did it, after my SOHO assignment. (Yes, we've won! Ngek Ngek Ngek!!!)
When i looked back on the video shot by my friend, I think i have gone a lil' insane after endless works and assignments, it made me crazy enough to do something I don't dare to do...Yes I've pierce my ear tragus. Here it is, enjoy watching me being tortured...

Exam...i love it but i hate it!!!

2007-09-30T05:03:00.000+08:00

This coming Monday i'll be having my 1st paper for this semester. I only have 2 days to prepare for it...well practically, i only have one day to study now. It's 5am in the morning, I think I must be crazy still blogging at this time, I couldn't help it when I realized it's been ages since my last post. See I've told you guys I'm a very lazy writer and I've proved it now. LOLZ...

Well, as a Capricorn, it's funny that I'm not being a practical intelligent person. It will always some barriers stopping me from doing early revision, ever since my dad passed away. I'm not taking that as an excuse but I really don't understand why ever since he left us, though I wasn't closed to him at all, it somehow made an impact to my "Ordinary Life". I just lost my interest of being organized and systematic, or should I say I don't know how to be organized and systematic ANYMORE?

Discipline is what I lack of now, I'm learning to get it back..... but I enjoy chaos and spontaneous. It's crazy but i couldn't help it to link discipline to my dad... What would it be if dad is still alive? Will you still see the same Alexandra that you're seeing now? Most likely not. You probably will not even know me, as I presumed that I'll most likely became some kinda nerdy auntie doing boring 9 to 5 office job. Oh my god that's scary...

Imagine this probably will be the Alexandra you see, or worse than this...

Dawn is approaching I better hit the sack.

Who am i?

2007-08-25T01:30:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, we were given a new assignment for our Presentation Skill class. The title is "My Mirror Image VS My Public Image"....

What a damn assignment! It has been years I was trying to find out about myself and I still looking forward to know the answer, now that the lecturer wants me to tell the whole class who am I and what makes me the person I am today. Everyone else got kinda excited but I was stone for a few minutes, should I just make up a story or take this assignments seriously and find out about my true self?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? I kept asking myself....

After a week of 'investigations', i only managed to come up with one word, "INDESCRIBABLE". If it is so easy to find out who I really am, then I don't need to spend so many years wondering about it. So I gave up and start making up stories about myself, the progress was fun but I somehow felt kinda weird.

We were required to put up our own photos in the presentation. Looking at the photos and trying to come up with words to describe myself, I felt like as if I was trying to tell a story about this girl called Alexandra, who I don't really know much about. Out of sudden, the person inside the photos looks so strange to me. Alexandra somehow just become a girl that only has the exactly same face as mine, I barely know her and we are two different entities...

Maybe she is Alex, and I am Andra, or the other way round?
Alex+Andra=Alexandra? (LOL)

Am i her? Is she me?
Confusing yet interesting...

Is this Alex or Andra?

How about her?

Unlearn Life

2007-08-21T00:43:00.000+08:00

Everyone perceive life differently,
some think it should be simple and peace;
some said it should be full of surprises and excitements;
some said it's a journey, you'll go through a lot;
neither one is wrong.

For me, life is all about learning, I'm constantly learning....
I've learned to walk, and to stand up again when I fall;
I've learned to accept; and learned that life is not what I thought;
I've learned to forget; and learned to let go;
I've learned to forgive, and to admit faults;
I've learned when to share, learned to be alone.

Most humiliatingly, I need to 'relearn' to live a life, the most basic things in life...
I'm need to learn to eat, to sleep and to laugh;
I thought that I've already know all that since i was a kid.

And something that I'm still learning,
learning to remember, to forget, to love and unloved.

Now that I've found out,
after I've learned so much,

I need to learn to UNLEARN.

Busy busy busy....

2007-07-29T16:31:00.001+08:00

So much i wanted to say, so little time...
Sorry i haven't been writting for sometimes, there're so much that i wanted to write but i am so tied up with things. Will try to write soon when i'm done with my assignments...muax! love you guys...

I am a major A-S-S-H-O-L-E!!!

2007-07-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

Woke up 8am in the morning, i was still not pretty much recovered yet, i need more sleep....but hell i must attend to class...This is SO NOT me as i used to come out with thousands of excuses to skip classes(when i was in apiit). But this would be the time that i really want to learn some disciplines, besides, i can't bare to doing just 'so-so' in this course as i have to bare my own fees....sigh..life's is just not easy huh!!!

Walking down the stair and headed to the wash room, all that i can thought of is "Shit! i'm gonna look like a zombie again...how to preserve my 'youth' is this keep happening?" (again, i admit that i'm so vain) Suddenly i saw something that totally wakes me up...Gosh!!! My mum was sitting down at a corner in front of the toilet, with a terribly pale face...she told me she's feeling dizzy and nauseous, and she started to vomit right after saying that... For a few second, i was numb. The 1st thing that flash into my mind was her Brain. She has gone through 2 major operations 2 years back for sculpt fractured, and she almost died. It was not easy to get her back..... I was terrified...

Looking at her vomitting, there's nothing i could do other than patting her back softly and getting her warm water. All my memories of her stayed in the icu flashed back. I quickly rushed into the toilet as i know i'm going to tear, i couldn't take it seeing her suffering...

Out of sudden i felt so guilty that i haven't spend a lot of times talking to her or giving her good company recently. I still remember that i've locked myself up in the room alone whole damn day on saturday and sunday. I didn't really speak to her because of my stupid 'mood swing'. She must be feeling lonely all these while, specially when we have all grown up. I'm behaving like such an asshole, we're all that she has now!!! There's nothing that she had ever requested accept for the best for us, her children...

Why didn't i appreciate every moment of her present in my life? I couldn't stop thinking about it. Just came home from job, she's asleep. So i quietly walked to her bed, she still looks so pale... my nightmare hasn't over yet... Doctor said that she might have just caught cold, i wish is it just that simple....

Sigh....i wish she's be alright tomorrow when she wakes up...please don't give me heart-attack....

There goes my stupid weekend

2007-07-23T00:42:00.001+08:00

Phew...finally Sunday's gone!!!! You will think i'm insane if you're reading this. I think i'm really not into Sunday and i just don't have any clue why, i somehow just feel released and enlightened. Thanks to those who really worried about me, i'm terribly sorry, i'm alright now! ^_^

Sometimes i wonder if i have dual personalities, weekdays is taken care by the Capricorn and weekends will be taken care by the Gemini...lol...did i scare you away? You better be....not... (lol, i learned that from "Borat") Sorry I'm a bit hyper now... All i wish now is that i can sleep like a 'pig' tonight, and every other nights....

You're probably listening to this song that i put on my blog now, if you are not, please turn on your speaker now. This is one of my most favourite songs (actually i have a lotsa favourite songs =P), and i hope you enjoy listening to it too...

"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars....
Let me see what's spring is like on Jupiter and Mars......"(would you?)

p/s: i accidentally uninstalled my photoshop so i couldn't edit this pic...stupid me..

i hate weekend...

2007-07-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

I just hate weekend, especially on Sunday, cause this is when all my stupid thoughts come back to me. This is when i wouldn't have enough sleep, i'm totally occupied by thoughts....which i didn't want to.
Only if i could have a chance to forget it, all about it, i will.
Yeah you've gotten me so bad, so are you happy now?
laisse moi tout seul, tu m'as blesser terriblemment...

My 1st school

2007-07-19T18:32:00.001+08:00

Wednesday, it's was raining when i finished classes, so i happenend to give my classmate a ride home just across the street. Guess what? It was just a small simple deed but it brought me a great surprise in return. I was so happy and excited when i saw it, my kintergarden!

It's been years i was trying to figure out where is it cause the only thing i remember was just the kintergarden itself, but i don't know where is it. (my mum doesn't know about it either cause it was my dad who send me to class all the time)

My feeling was complex as i stood right in front of it, it was still drizzling but i couldn't care less. This place comprises some of my childhood memories...the classroom, the playground the gate...somehow i felt strange but familiar about it. Everythings was so well kept and all looks the same, but it was just way smaller than i remembered. It used to be a so huge for me. Once again it reminded me that i've grown up, i realised i was tearing a little bit, for happiness....(silly me)

On the way home, memories of my childhood in kintergarden evoked, i laughed alone in the car like mad...

I still remember that there was a boy, who're really talkative and noisy all the time. One day the teacher couldn't take it anymore and tried to threaten him, "If you keep making noise, tomorrow i'm going to bring the tape to tape up you mouth!".... Next day, the boy brouhgt the tape with him to the class, and placed it right on top of his table as he sitted. That day, he was pretty quiet as there's a tape on his mouth and he couldn't talk, but he looked happy. Can you believe it? There are actually people who're happy to supply the tape to the teacher to seal their mouth...lol...(i couldn't stop laughing)

There're a few more funny stories actually, but i need to go work on my assignments now. Will tell you about it later when i'm free. (i'll be pretty tied up with my works and assignments these few weeks so won't be able to update my blog as often, sorry ya..)

I saw an angel today

2007-07-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not, i saw an angel today, at One Utama's car park...

I always believe that angels actually exist in our lifes. You will see them only if you're lucky enough. And i was the very lucky one as this is the second time i saw them, the first time was when i was 12. Both were females.

I might not be able to remember how they look like, but i'll always remember that i've seen them, and remember their good deeds. It reminds me that the world is still beautiful. Whenever i think of them i couldn't stop smiling. I'm actually smiling now...

They don't have very pretty face nor sexy body, but they always have the warmest smiles, simple and pure. It naturally makes you feel that the 'look' is not what you're looking at, it's the heart, it's the person they are deep inside. They seems unimpaired by any bad influence of the world todays.

I wish that i could be strong enough to become one of them. But of course i need to keep my face, i'm vain i know, but i couldn't help it =P(it's in my blood). I really wish that one day my existence would brighten up someone's day and make someone smiles like i did today.

where am i?

2007-07-15T12:15:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 1030 this morning, it's sunday and I don't remember when was the last time i woke up before 2pm, on sunday. I don't know why but i just couldn't put myself to sleep longer.

The feeling inside of me is really killing me, i thought it'll go away after sometimes, but it doesn't. In fact, it's getting greater each day and it spread so fast without me noticing it. It's taking over my body and soul, I feel like half of me has been taken away, or maybe more. I can barely control my thinking nor actions. I'm obsessed...

I've forgotten since when, sleeping and eating just for the sake of keeping myself alive. My face shrinking each day as i wake up to look into the mirror. I'm feeling nauseous all the time which i don't have any clue why. The more i controlled it the more it defeated me. Why do i need to go through all these?

I can barely feel myself now, where are you taking it to?

I'm very tired....just let me sleep...

2007-07-14T02:10:00.000+08:00

I'm tired, physically and mentally. Life is just so tiring. There're too many distractions, too much burden but my shoulder is just so small. I couldn't stay focus. If i could ever grant a wish, i'll wish that i could have the strength to carry on, or discontinued it at all....

Stop telling me that i'm didn't try hard enough, i did, and i have done my best. But what can i do when the mind not functioning the way i wanted it to. Just like feelings u can't catch it nor control it, it comes and it goes. It's not up to me to say "No, please stay..."

Yes it sounds despairing i know. I don't really know what am i trying to say here, i'm so tired right now and supposed to be asleep at this hour. But i always feel that there's something missing and i couldn't sleep....i don't know what is it...

I still love myself, and i'm trying to love myself better...i just don't love my life...

yay!!!

2007-07-13T00:23:00.001+08:00

YAY!!!!
Finally!!! Finally!!! Finally!!!
I've finally finished my new layout, sorry guys for keeping you waiting...
Actually i thought that i'll never be able to finished cause my 'HTML knowledges' were almost all returned to the lecturers...but guess what, i still managed to put on one... =)
Oh my god i just couldn't stop smilling....

Sigh...There're too many things happening recently and most of them bring me to miseries, i didn't have lotsa sleeps since few weeks ago. Gosh i think i'm gonna get depression soon if all these things keep happening. But finally there's something happening that make me smile again, that's my new layout... =) (eventhough it's not very nice, lol!)

And guys, this is not gonna be the final look yet cause i'll still need to touch up here and there and try to add in cool stuffs... so stay tune... ^_~

Page currently under contructions

2007-07-08T18:45:00.001+08:00

Hey peeps, hang on a bit as i'm in the progress of changing my layout and templates...

The Capricorn Girl: II

2007-07-07T15:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when i look back to my life and things that i've gone through, it reminds me that those every little things in the past actually made me the person i am today. I am 25 if you're wondering how old am i. Well 25 years is not a very long period but it ain't short in the other hand. Everything seems to be getting more and more complicated now and i guess i've lost part of myself along the journey. I believe this is going to be a turning point in my life.

I'm amazed by my mother, who aged 57 this year, who never failed to hold on to her very own believes and beauties that lies inside of her. 25 years compare to 57 years.....she's still remain unchanged and i've changed a lot. I wonder if the world back then was very much less complex than what it is today, sometimes it makes me feel that i've seen more than her. I hope not...

If you ask me what kinda person i am now, i probably won't be able to answer it as firm as how i used to answer few years back. Most likely i won't be able to answer at all. Don't try to judge me cause you won't be able to find out. If you think that you've found out, please let me know i'll be thankful.

Am i still the same person as who i used to be? I'm not sure. Probably not. And i'm not afraid to tell you that i've become pretty much evil now. If you knew me then, i'll be greatful if you think i'm still the same, and hope that i won't scare you away if i'm not.

I constantly trying to look at things in a more simple way, somehow my brain always function contrary from my will. I'm contradicting myself most of the time, it makes me feel like i'm going crazy. Angel and devil, which one would you prefer? Devil seems to be more interesting and fun, but nevertheless i still wanna be an angel.... What say you?......

The art of 'feel'

2007-07-04T18:42:00.000+08:00

Tell me, when is the last time that you felt romantic? And in what kinda ambience and situation? With who?

I came to realised that i've become a more soulful and emotional person, which i don't know how and i don't know when. Besides appreciating arts and all the beautiful things in life, i've learned to appreciate 'feelings' (i couldn't find a better word to explain). I can't really interpret in words what sort of 'feeling' is that, it's just like an abstract painting you can't really tell in words what are there, but you're feeling it. Of course that only apply to those who has the sense of art.

These special feelings often occur when a few elements conjunt coinsidently and interrelate dynamicly that creates the chemistry. A simple rythm, a glance or a scene, can be one of the elements. Rythm and lightings always play important role.

I'm not sure if you understand what i'm trying to tell you, or you might think that i'm crazy if i tell you this. I sense 'feeling' (i know this sounds really crazy), when it happen, i feel like 'they're' trying to talk to me in some foreign language that i can't impterpret in words, but i know understand the message 'they' wanna send to me.

I often feel the romantic feeling when i'm ALONE, mostly when i'm driving, or in a vehicle when somebody else is driving. (i actually spent lotsa times in the car, can you believe it?) it happen more frequently now. I think it somehow has something to do with the music that i'm listerning to. I seldom listern to radio anymore, i burn my own cd with songs that i chose, and i chose it because they comprises certain criterias. The feeling doesn't happen all the time when i'm listerning to those songs, as i said, it only happens when a few elements conjunt coincidently.

It is strange that i don't really need a valentine or lover to feel romantic, am i going crazy? Of course not, i guess i'm just sensitive in capturing feelings =)

A photo that i snapped with my phone when i was travelling to Penang in a friend's car. I was trying to capture the feeling that i felt by that moment. It's a mixture feeling of romantic + commitment + secure + trust + love + protect + belonging + etc...

A scene that i took with my phone(again), from the balcony of Royal Bintang Hotel at The Curve. I was chilling with some friends in the room few days before x'mas 2006. Most of them were pretty drunk and were sleeping when i was alone at the balcony. Somehow i don't feel lonely cause i was accompanied by them...the feelings...

Hope-Less-Ly Lazy

2007-07-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

Question: What would you do, when you're hungry???
Correct Answer: Eat.
My Answer: I feel so lazy...

Question: What would you do, when you're very hungry???
Correct Answer: Faster go eat!!!
My Answer: but...I'm still very lazy....

Question: What would you do, when gastric strike you because you're too hungry???
Correct Answer: Sigh....you're really helpless....
My Answer: Oh shit! I better go eat now before i kill myself...

I think i've recently gotten a new deadful disease named 'laziness'. When it strikes, you're most likely to lost your consciousness, you can't even think right nor behave like a normal person. I think the ordinary doctor couldn't help me with this....I have already came to a critical stage where the 'lazy-worms' inside of me is taking over my body and mind....Gosh!!! Am I dying??

The little me...

2007-07-03T00:37:00.000+08:00

For as far as i can remember, i was borned to be a natural capricorn. And i don't have any clue where does all those ego came from, i just know that it has always been there. I was way too independent for being a kid...i somehow feel quite sorry for myself for being so understanding and behaved too well ;P

I've already learned simple mathematics like 1+2=3 or 2-1=1 even before i attend to kindergarten; i started to sing ( songs that i learned from radio ) even before i can speak clearly, and obviously i didn't understand what was i singing....

My 1st conversation with my 1st classmate (kindergarten), a boy who was sitting next to me named 'Kang Yi Kan'. I find it funny for remembering a person's name for such a long period even we didn't see each other after that. He started the conversation...

KYK : That's my daddy and mummy over there
(pointed at the window near the classroom)
Me: ........(showing off la you!)
KYK : Where is your daddy mummy?
Me: They're not here....
KYK: Huh??? (shocked at 1st) .....oh...(answered reluctantly)
Me: He left me at the gate....
KYK: (another shocking look...and speechless)

After that, I was SO VERY regret that i didn't cry and roll on the floor when my dad 1st put me down at the gate and asked me to look for my own class by myself. The rest of the kids left once the class ended as their parents were there 'companying' them. I ended up waiting alone by the gate for 20 minutes++, for my dearest daddy.....thanks for the 'reward' for being so well-behaved and understanding...(ish!!!)

The Capricorn girl....

2007-06-30T19:18:00.000+08:00

I'm an ordinary girl, who constantly trying in many ways, to find out the 'true me' that's living inside of me. Yes that sounds very confusing, and yes i know it sounds very complicated, too.

I live with a single parent, and i'm truely happy that i have her in my life. She's the most important person for me, my lovely mum. Sometimes when i stay up alone at night, alone in my bed, i'll think of her and all that she has gone through, it makes me want to be a better person, a stronger person. I can't imagine what my life would be without her. I often feel the guilt that i have not been a good girl all these while, sorry mama, i guess that was just me trying too hard to live my own life. But i assure you that i'll always be safe and sound, and take good care of you from now onwards.

I'm a capricorn, i had been a very typical capricorn. I used to live a systematic life and things were well organized back then. As i grew older, i realised that the capricorn inside me seems to be very much faded. I'm more like a gemini now. I'll tell you more later....